New Years Resolutions

Smoke only the weekends (sadly, that's a challenge!)
Eat healthy (eliminate Hot Pockets out of my everyday diet ]=)
Limit my spending on snacking (that shit adds up!)
Find a hobby that I love and keep up with it
Learn that being single doesn't mean my skies are grey....................
Which also means LEARN HOW TO BE MISS FUCKING INDEPENDENT. I certainly don't need a man in my life.
Also, learn to take risks and let go of my guard just a little.

Winter break has been absolutely amazing besides the fact that my father never puts his children as #1 on his priority list. It's pretty sad how I've gotten use to his "I'm sorry Happy but maybe next week!" that it doesn't phase me. But once my sister got mad, it hit me hard how we're never fucking first in his life. Somehow some things are more important rather than his own children. Another reason of my why I consider my friends, my family 'cause they've shown more love and support. And I've given him chances for us to get closer but all he ever does reply with a "Oh I see" and continue with what was on his mind while I telling him how my life has been. For all fucking sake, I can tell him I'm pregnant and he wouldn't even notice what I said. It hurts even more to know that he's not supportive with my major in Business Entertainment, since it's not nursing. But when he sees that I'll be making that six figure salary he'll show me off like as if I'm his trophy child. It's not even just that though, I want him to be happy for me. I want his love and support. And most of all his dedication as a father.

But WHATEVER, fuck it. Since I lacked so much guidance as a child, I'm fucking independent now. I don't "need" them. And it's pathetic how my parents don't see WHY I'm like that too.

UGHHHHHHHHHHH! This is too overwhelming.

Party on bitches!

Well, this winter break has done me good so far! Last weekend I was pretty much drowning in alcohol, and I think it's time to really lay off of it. Or at least be more responsible! Stupid me.

Christmas was good also. I spent it with my mom. It wasn't a big celebration so it was more intimate which I really appreciated. It was just sweet seeing each others face when we opened our gifts. I bought us matching PJs. I think I'm going to make it tradition. My mom got my sister and I matching robes! My sister got me another guitar for Rockband (but I'm exchanging it for Little Big Planet!), cymbals for Rockband, AND MY DIRT DEVIL CONE VACUUM IN PINK, suckahs.

I just can't believe that the year is coming to an end! That quick, ay? 2008 was my favorite year and I'm not exagerrating at all. I have a feeling 2009 will be another good one. I fucking love my life and everyone who is part of it.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
Only smoke on the weekends (I should really just quit though =[)
SCHOOL FIRST, party second
Don't waste so much money on food

I miss

sleep overs with a boy! (Not that I'm saying I sleep over boys' houses a lot!) But just that feeling of having someone's arms keeping you warm and safe. And waking up to next someone special.

Goodbye 08! You did me good.

As the new year is fast approaching, I thought I would briefly summarize how wonderful 2008 has been, since it's truly the best year of my life by far.

I started off the year with a bang. I was in my first serious relationship and I turned 18. I was constantly busy and on the go with planning my debut, debut practices, dance captain for Red and Gold, and maintaining good grades at school. Life was just completely blissful! I had nothing to complain about. I had a wonderful boyfriend, my family was being functional for once, I was passing my classes with semi-flying colors. Then Cupid decided to be an ass and my 8 month relationship ended unexpectedly. I can say that this year was the year I experienced "love". I wasn't in love but I was falling in love. Unlike other years where my main problems in life was family..this year it was the evil curse of a heartbreak that every teenage girl dreads but has to face one day (or in my case a good couple months). As I thought my world was going to end because my love life did, I found my two best friends.

By the end of June, I graduated high school and I was that teenage girl with the only things in her mind for the summer was to...sleep in and party till dusk. Well, I certainly did just that. Summer was such yet another learning experience. I had my share of good times and drama. I even experienced with E two times. I'm not proud but it's yet another learning experience and one that I certainly will not do again.

This year was also my first year of college. My sister told me that in college it's where your life will totally change. And it seemed so cliche so I didn't really believe till it happened to me. Just a few months ago I was living such a different life. I was so confused with my "identity". I was uncomfortable with my surroundings and no, school had nothing to do it. College, the school aspect of it, was actually unsurprisingly likable. I'm the type of student who doesn't care too much of group work and I'm used to independent work, so college was easy for me. It was what happened outside of school that really affected me. Even after a summer of close bonding with my best friends, I felt myself drift away from them. It's not that they were bad people, it's just that I felt I needed to grow apart from them to find myself. I started questioning why does it have to be so hard just to feel comfortable with a group of friends. Why does my social life have to be so hard like as if I had to do some fucking miracles just to find a genuine people?!! (All my life, I was never really part of a certain clique. It was just me and one or two best friends..and if I wasn't with them I was with my current bf.) Well, I told myself life ain't fair! So just fucking suck it up. And I did. Things changed drastically just a couple weeks ago and I finally got what I deserved...true friends. It just feels so good to know that I have a set group of friends now. And it's not that it's a "group", it's 'cause I know each of them care for me just as much as I care for them. I'm SO grateful to have them in my life.

So in all this year I learned: even though I gave my 1oo-and-fucking-10% in a relationship and it doesn't last, it's doesn't mean I did something wrong..it just wasn't meant to be. Things DON'T come easy to me and not going to lie, I'm an open-minded thinker. I just don't think of how I feel, I think about how the others feel too. If I'm at fault, I'll step up and apologize! Anyway, as the saying goes, "things happen for a reason" and it's true! I guess this is where I get all my "optimism" from. Everything really does happen for a reason and sooner or later you'll realize why. It's just with me the period between of when something happens to the time I'll realize why, is when I get super impatient. I start to blame myself of why all this shit is happening to me even though I'm being completely stupid. I just need to learn patience. I've learn to accept that things don't come easy with me even when I deserve the best, to be bluntly honest. Family, friends, relationships. All of that has been so hard to maintain. I do get jealous seeing other people have it easy with family, friends, and relationships. Because I've never cheated, always been caring, not jealous, not possessive, respectful, all that jazz. I just didn't understand it but now I've come to accept that the time isn't now. And I'll have to be patient even when it hurts so bad. But at least I've found my true friends!!

Reading this whole blog makes me excited for what 2009 has to offer me! Also, this isn't even everything that has happened to me. Some things that happened to me this year, I can't explain through words =].

Fucking tired

I'm so sick of being the fucking responsible one in the house! Why can't I for once be the child. THE ONE BEING TAKEN CARE OF. Fuck this shit.

If you're going to lose my shit, then fucking find it! And no! Your fucking money isn't legit enough because that jewelry is from my family and friends...there was actually thought behind those things...unlike your signed checks.

Who ever said rapping was easy!

On the way to the Common show, Melissa and I decided to make a video while stuck in traffic. &I attempted to rap.....FAIL.





Common delivered an awesome performance even though his set only included 5 songs, which two were "Go" and "The Light". I've never been a big fan of Common but now I love his music. I loved how he interacted with the audience and pumped us up. And in all honesty, I am a major fan of Kanye but he lacks communication with his fans when he performs! But he still manages to keep our full attention. I don't know how he does it but he's..Kanye. I love live music. I wish I was rich so I can attend all the concerts in the world. There's just such an unexplainable feeling when I hear music live.

On a another note, I wish that my parent's would actually BUY me a gift. Don't get me wrong, I really do appreciate the money they give me, but it just seems there's no sentimental value to it. All they do is sign the check and "Merry Christmas baba!". ALL I want is some fucking thought behind a gift. For goodness sake it can be a hand made card because at least they put some thought into it. I do get jealous when I hear my friend's stories of how their parents went OUT OF THEIR WAY to find their gift. When will my parent's go out of their way for me?

And this makes me miss my dad's ex-gf even more. Every Christmas she bought my sister and I something we really wanted. It wasn't even about the materialistic thing, it was the love behind it. I really miss Sunday brunches with her and the kids. Oh I really miss those kids. I "hate" how they got attatched to us though. They sometimes call me and ask me when I'm going to come over and play. And I have to pretend to be hopeful that one day I will come by 'cause I'm crying on the other end of the phone. I watched those kids grow up and I miss them so much. I miss my second mom. She really compensated for what I didn't receive in my childhood. I miss having someone concerned about my life..someone who actually took the time to sit down and talk about how I'm doing in life. I mean I'm old now and matured but shit...when will I actually get that parental guidance. I've never been grounded before and that's because I think my parent's don't care enough.

Anyway, I've been noticing that my lust for a relationship has died out. I think it's 'cause I've been hanging out a lot with just a bunch of dudes. Thank goodness. Who needs boys anyway? I'm Miss. Independent damnit.

I'm pretty sure I have A's in my Psy and English class. But for my business class, shoot, that's probably a solid C HA! =[. Next semester I'm taking 18 units. FML right? Whatever, gotta do what chu gotta do. I'm pretty excited though. I love learning...believe it or not.